Why is the abuse survivor always the liar

this is a haunting question.  I am not going to open up a can of worms here for myself but I really wish people who knew what was going on would own up to their knowledge.

instead they act as though this is a mob family and they had to choose sides. Then I see them publically denouncing abuse!

 

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Life goes on….

It has been awhile since I left my abuser.  I try not to revisit what happened to me but it is difficult.

I am actually disabled and cannot work due to the effects of all that I have suffered.  I became sick last March and I am sure it has something to do with all that I endured for 16 years.

I cannot talk to my children because they have been so brainwashed that all they do is insult me.  They have been told I have mental problems, I am a drug abuser, and I can imagine how many other things…but there is nothing I can do about that….this kind of stuff had already started happening before I left.

I am trying to go on with my life and I am trying to remember that I am not there anymore and I don’t need nor want to live in fear for the rest of my life.

My family is no longer in my life.  They don’t want to deal with any of this…this is the hardest thing that I had to lose.

But it is the reality of the situation and I have to remember that GOD loves me.

 

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PETS…..they are victims too

Pets are also at risk from an abuser.  Many abuse animals as children, but not all of them.

It is reported by the American Humane Association that 71% of pet-owning women entering women’s shelters reported that their batterer had injured, maimed, killed or threatened family pets for revenge or to psychologically control victims.

Many domestic violence survivors are faced with losing their pets…I was one of them.  Many survivors go into shelters and cannot take their pets…and they lose them.

Unfortunately this is nothing new.

Thankfully, in other states, there are organizations that assist domestic violence survivors when it comes to their pets.  Ahimsa House (which means “nonviolence” in Sanskrit) was founded in 2004 by Emily Christie after she lost a pet to domestic violence. Ahimsa House became Georgia’s first and only organization dedicated to helping the human and animal victims of domestic violence reach safety together.

If one can make arrangements for their pets I highly advise that you do but being an animal lover I had to make a hard choice for one of my dogs who I thought may be at risk and even though I tried I had to let her go.  I don’t know what happened to the other two but I didn’t feel as though they would be hurt.

But I had to choose…my life…

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The blame game

The blame game is one that a domestic violence survivor undoubtedly plays…it is not a choice..it is part of the effects of domestic violence..There is also manipulation, lies, and brainwashing that occurs.

There is a difference between blaming yourself and accepting what happened.  It makes things worse when others blame you.  This happened to me with my family and even his.

Blame:  I remember someone saying if you just followed the rules this would all stop.

Lies: calling you a drug addict, making you look bad in front of others, telling your family lies, etc….

Manipulation: Making people choose sides without them even realizing it.  This comes in the form of gifts, being extra nice to them, and making them think “this guy couldn’t have done this look at him…he goes to church, he is close with his family, and he helps everyone.”

Brainwashing: This is done to the victim and others that could be involved, including children.  They take a situation and make it look as though it is something else.  Years ago in my checkbook i had went to the dr and they said just write S.O.S on the check.  So I did.  He told my family it was a cry for help that i was suicidal.

I remember thinking if I could just not talk that it would stop.  After all, every time I said something it seemed to make things worse…Even if it was me apologizing…which I did a lot…I am sorry was my starting sentence from the time I woke to the time I went to bed.

My abuser hated crying..If I could have never cried…I told myself…don’t cry…It makes him mad…and after the abuse I would say to myself…see you cried…and look what happened…You shouldn’t do that to him.

Then there is acceptance which comes later….you have to be out of the situation to get to this point…

The first thing to accept is that the abuse happened.  It is a part of your life…but it does not define you.

Go easy on me for this one…I am still working on it…

Accepting the things that happened means admitting that they were terrible and should never have happened. But then you to accept the challenge of getting your life back…  the challenge to be the kind of person I want to be and do the things I want to do.

This one puzzled me but I understand it now…a year later..you have to accept that the abuse is over.  You have to accept that you are in charge of your life and that you are going to work towards making life the way you want it to be.

Giving yourself credit is one of the hardest things to do…at least for me….people tell me I am strong..they tell me they admire me…they tell me I don’t even see how strong I am….They are right…I really do not see it at all….but I work every day to get over the effects of the abuse I suffered and I am moving forward in life, the best I can.  But it is a process that goes day by day.

I am still in the stage of just accepting what happened and doing my best to stay safe…I want to help others and I want to make them aware that they are not alone….that is so important.

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After you’ve left

I learned a few things that I didn’t even think of after I arrived at the domestic violence shelter.  Some I was told by hospital workers.

1.  Turn off the locator on your cell phone.

2. If you use Facebook, turn off the thing that tracks where you are posting from.

I would actually suggest you do not even use facebook in the beginning or ever if you don’t need to.

3. Change all email passwords and even set up a new email.

4. Change your phone number

5. Change your address but do not forward your mail.  Tell the post office to hold it and make sure you go and pick it up.  the abuser just has to send mail to you and request a forwarding address and they have your new address.  A p.o. box is also a good idea.

6. Watch who you talk to.  I had to cut pretty much everybody out of my life….friends that I loved but that I knew would have trouble with his threats and might tell him information.  This was so hard.  And for me this included family.  Watch WHO you trust.

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Personal Protection Orders

While I know that a personal protection order is just a piece of paper and cannot stop a bullet, I feel more safe having one against my abuser.In my state personal protection orders have to be renewed each year.  This is something I wish was different. I really do.

While a personal protection order is just a piece of paper, other steps can be taken to help with your safety.  Your chances of being hurt by the abuser may increase when you leave the relationship or when you seek legal help. Planning for your safety ahead of time can help. Your safety plan might include things like where you will go or who you will call if you feel threatened. It can include important telephone numbers, an escape plan, or checklists of important things to take with you when you leave the abuser.

I obtained an order under ex parte…this meant no hearing..but of course, even an abuser has a right to defend him or herself.  My abuser took the opportunity.  This was not the first time I had obtained an order on this person, he was my husband and I took him back the first time.  I thought he had found God.  I was mistaken.

In court i had to stand in front of a judge while this man told the judge i was a liar, a drug addict, and that i was crazy.  It was so humiliating, but I had been advised not to defend myself. I listened to him tell the judge, through his attorney all of the garbage that he had been telling me and anyone else who would listen, for 16 years.

He had an attorney who just plugged away at my credibility and he was so insulting.  I had a man from a company that is called threat management.  His job was to make sure that there was no eye contact and that I got back to the domestic violence shelter I was living in, safely.  Thank God for him.  Other than that I had advocates from the shelter with me.  He had his mother.

I kept praying.  I was shaking.  I looked the judge in the eye and answered her questions truthfully and in short sentences.  I told her just what she wanted to hear.  This wasn’t the time to drag him through the mud.  She wanted specifics and to be honest I didn’t want to be in that room any longer than I had to.    I gave the judge my hospital report from that day and told her what had happened.

I also told her I had a previous personal protection order that had expired.  I remember that part especially because I hung my head so low.  I was so ashamed that I believed his bull and went back.  She knew that I am sure.

I was given the order….I thank God that she saw the real him, because without this order I would not  have felt safe at all.  Although it is just a piece of paper.

DON’T GIVE UP!

Apply for an order for your protection.  No, it does not save you from a bullet or physical action…but it is a way for you to take back some control.  For me, it was me taking a step to help me feel safe and I was saying “I am not going to let you do this anymore!”

I felt so much guilt for ever going back.  I felt that I had asked for this.  I am so thankful that a judge saw him for who he really was.

I did not renew the order under diress from the police department and the shelter but I didn’t want to get dragged back into court and I will have to trust that God will do His will and pray His will is to keep me safe.

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Abuse: why is it called a cycle?

I remember the first time someone talked to me about domestic violence.  They referred to the abuse as a cycle.  This puzzled me.  I didn’t see it as a wheel that was constantly repeated.  Being the victim I saw it as I kept doing things wrong to upset my abuser.

So–what is the cycle?

There is always an initial abusive incident.  This can be a physical, emotional or sexual incident.  After this incident tension continues to build between the abuser and the victim.

Next the abuser trys to quell their violent tendency while the person being abused tries to “keep the peace.” (I was so guilty of this).  No matter what the person being abused does another incident happens.

Then there is a make up period.  I have experienced many of these, down to my husband buying me a camaro (I wanted a black one-he got me a green one–never realized that this was still him controlling even though he was trying to make up with me)  He apologized sometimes during this period, while other times he explained that it was my fault because I had made something out of nothing, or I had asked for it.

Then there is the last stage…the calm.  Sometimes this lasts for years.  This is the period where both the abuser and the one being abused act as if nothing is wrong. They think if they ignore the problem it will go away.

Does any of this sound familiar?

First of all…if you are asking this question there has to be a reason.  Ask yourself this question : If a friend or family member told you about the same situation you are in, what advice would you give them?  Would you tell them to get out?

PowerControlwheelNOSHADING

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