The blame game is one that a domestic violence survivor undoubtedly plays…it is not a choice..it is part of the effects of domestic violence..There is also manipulation, lies, and brainwashing that occurs.
There is a difference between blaming yourself and accepting what happened. It makes things worse when others blame you. This happened to me with my family and even his.
Blame: I remember someone saying if you just followed the rules this would all stop.
Lies: calling you a drug addict, making you look bad in front of others, telling your family lies, etc….
Manipulation: Making people choose sides without them even realizing it. This comes in the form of gifts, being extra nice to them, and making them think “this guy couldn’t have done this look at him…he goes to church, he is close with his family, and he helps everyone.”
Brainwashing: This is done to the victim and others that could be involved, including children. They take a situation and make it look as though it is something else. Years ago in my checkbook i had went to the dr and they said just write S.O.S on the check. So I did. He told my family it was a cry for help that i was suicidal.
I remember thinking if I could just not talk that it would stop. After all, every time I said something it seemed to make things worse…Even if it was me apologizing…which I did a lot…I am sorry was my starting sentence from the time I woke to the time I went to bed.
My abuser hated crying..If I could have never cried…I told myself…don’t cry…It makes him mad…and after the abuse I would say to myself…see you cried…and look what happened…You shouldn’t do that to him.
Then there is acceptance which comes later….you have to be out of the situation to get to this point…
The first thing to accept is that the abuse happened. It is a part of your life…but it does not define you.
Go easy on me for this one…I am still working on it…
Accepting the things that happened means admitting that they were terrible and should never have happened. But then you to accept the challenge of getting your life back… the challenge to be the kind of person I want to be and do the things I want to do.
This one puzzled me but I understand it now…a year later..you have to accept that the abuse is over. You have to accept that you are in charge of your life and that you are going to work towards making life the way you want it to be.
Giving yourself credit is one of the hardest things to do…at least for me….people tell me I am strong..they tell me they admire me…they tell me I don’t even see how strong I am….They are right…I really do not see it at all….but I work every day to get over the effects of the abuse I suffered and I am moving forward in life, the best I can. But it is a process that goes day by day.
I am still in the stage of just accepting what happened and doing my best to stay safe…I want to help others and I want to make them aware that they are not alone….that is so important.